Connection

It’s hard to fathom the reality of things at a place where clarity isn’t the virtue. While definitive answers, being extreme as they are, stop the mind from wandering down the dangerous path of what-ifs, being left without one isn’t as big of a curse as I had once imagine it to be. 

Am I being truthful in saying that I don’t have the answer to some of the questions I’ve been plagued with since that night? (It’s excruciating to even attempt putting a name to what it was, which maybe why questions crawl through my mind with such savage rage.) Albeit the pain that I’d like to think I’ve suffered, I’d be lying if I say I don’t know why I’ve been in the same gloomy, blue state for the past couple of months. 

What wonder is the connection between everything in this world? Be it human interactions, chemical bonds, food chains, or economical relations, we can’t escape inter-connectivity. Not our persons, not the atoms in our physical forms, not the way we perceive the world and consume the world.

Memory is a tricky thing. Even though I’ve thought time and time again that, my memory has been compromised by my own choosing of intoxication, certain things that I’ve thought slipped out of my perception, will still resurface in my memory. Like a disease that you don’t remember contracting, but the consequence will still scorch your body, reminding you of the ravenous nature of its being. 

Maybe it is a blessing after all that, as a human being with a functional memory, I don’t get to forget the people who’ve influenced me and touched me and connected with me. I will forever remember that little gesture, that playful wink, that illuminating conversation, even in the darkest of night, or in the brightest of day. 

And of course, the emotions attached to such connection, the pain or the joy, eventually find its way back to me, after moments, days, or years after it had happened. 

I guess I’d rather… not remember as well as I do now.