Ready

This blizzard and whatever is left of it are creating an enormous amount of desire for summer in me.

I am ready for summer!

Something about summer just brings sweetness, whether in your mouth when you articulate the word, or in your brain when you conjure up that mental image of a golden sunset followed by a warm and calm night.

The sweetness is real still.

Especially as summer approaches in late April, the searing and passionate scent start to flow in the air and people on the streets begin to free their bodies and let them breathe. Those are the moments I love dearly, almost as much as I love summer itself.

Summer is so much more than just drops of sweats looking like diamonds under rays of sunshine, shades of bronze on thriving bodies of youth bathing in the warmth of air, or the thick, rich and fresh ice-cream melting away on eager tongues while filling those mouths with the icy delight they long for. Summer signifies the passion for life, passion for the freshness and hope that permeate the atmosphere that is baked under one energetic sun, and passion for the precious vacation times and adventures it brings.

For me, summer also means home.

And I must say, at this very moment, with piercing cold wind raging outside my window and the pricking noise from the radiator, I am ready for summer.

GoodBye

I am no stranger to saying goodbye.

But not in the sense of saying goodbye because you simply can't see someone anymore; which makes saying goodbye so much more difficult.

As I sat there on my bed, staring away from his gaze, I muttered out the words, each piercing my throat, "I don't think I should see you anymore". I even took a moment to let these words, sounding so extremely dry and pathetic, resound a while in room, clanging and banging each time they hit my own eardrum as I said it. Then I looked down, afraid to receive an answer, or any answer at all. I looked down because I was ashamed, I was hurting myself while trying to manage my desire to just hold on to him. I looked down, because I was afraid that all the time we shared meant far less to him than it meant to me.

He didn't sign any contract. He didn't make any promises. He didn't even clarify what it was.

I didn't care, because he gave me warmth; Warmth that might have been absent for what seems like eternity. No. That is not an exaggeration. In my darkest moments, I thought it was indeed eternal. I was doomed to eternal loneliness.

Even though that was extremely childish of me to think that I was deemed to be alone for forever, it was indeed real to me, the despair.

Then there he was, with arms open and accepting.

And he made no promises.

And I was immediately drawn to him, as if he was the tantalizing spring that eventually appeared in front of my unquenchable thirst.

 And that is why I must say goodbye.

Decision

It seems that there are many decisions for me to make as of late.

To be honest, being 18 and in college isn't quite as easy as they put it. Even though I know indeed that going to school is far less stressful than, say, working and providing for your family while trying to come up with your son's tuition. Thanks Dad.

I still have these decisions to make nonetheless. 

And these decisions, quite frankly, are what make me feel so vulnerable at this moment and what make me state that "being 18 and in college sucks". 

I never think of myself, for a second, as someone who would spare some time to do thinking in the form of updating a blog; but here I am, driven by the complexity of these decisions. 

I like exploring. I adore new experiences on the way of my wanders. Even if new experiences take me to places I would never otherwise think of; And that creates problems. 

You never know what your boundary and limit is, until you are thousand miles away from it. Then you take a deep breath, and say"wow, I really have gone far". 

I quite fit that description.

Dangling with alcohol, drugs and sex, I have found my limits; and they leave me with one decision: to continue, or to stop.

Fuck this decision.

I am finding common ground, digging hard into the realm of logic, and trying to negotiate these two choices I have. 

Why, you ask?

So I don't have to feel ashamed of myself when gathering recollections of what happened from people other than myself. So I don't feel empty when I try to find gems hidden in the hours of wildness, which I don't recall. And most realistically, so I don't spend money on intoxicating myself.

But all of the above is exactly why I indulge myself in it.

Struggle.

- -

Then there is, of course, the outlook on the future. Or more accurately, next semester.

A sophomore in college.

What an identity. Even if sophomore is still regarded as underclassman status, to me, however, it is quite a thrill; Because it symbolizes growth, progress, and, in more physical terms, better dorms.

I know it is no way comparable to graduating, but I still think it is quite the accomplishment.

If thrills and pride are put aside, however, I, again, see decision. Decisions I have to make on direction of my academic career, on residence, and social relations.

I rarely think of myself as controlling in any sphere of my life. Not until I start thinking about putting together an apartment/dorm full of people I want to live with for the next year. 

The reason why I say that I am controlling is because I want to know what everyone is thinking on this particular subject. I don't want to cause any drama within any circle of friends. Apparently, this roommate selection dilemma is, however, causing drama. And I want to know what everyone thinks.

And this all make coming up with a final decision the more difficult. 

- -

I can't say, that after all the rants above I have now know what to do, that I am thinking clearer.

But at least, I have ranted.

Ah.

Decision.