Decision

It seems that there are many decisions for me to make as of late.

To be honest, being 18 and in college isn't quite as easy as they put it. Even though I know indeed that going to school is far less stressful than, say, working and providing for your family while trying to come up with your son's tuition. Thanks Dad.

I still have these decisions to make nonetheless. 

And these decisions, quite frankly, are what make me feel so vulnerable at this moment and what make me state that "being 18 and in college sucks". 

I never think of myself, for a second, as someone who would spare some time to do thinking in the form of updating a blog; but here I am, driven by the complexity of these decisions. 

I like exploring. I adore new experiences on the way of my wanders. Even if new experiences take me to places I would never otherwise think of; And that creates problems. 

You never know what your boundary and limit is, until you are thousand miles away from it. Then you take a deep breath, and say"wow, I really have gone far". 

I quite fit that description.

Dangling with alcohol, drugs and sex, I have found my limits; and they leave me with one decision: to continue, or to stop.

Fuck this decision.

I am finding common ground, digging hard into the realm of logic, and trying to negotiate these two choices I have. 

Why, you ask?

So I don't have to feel ashamed of myself when gathering recollections of what happened from people other than myself. So I don't feel empty when I try to find gems hidden in the hours of wildness, which I don't recall. And most realistically, so I don't spend money on intoxicating myself.

But all of the above is exactly why I indulge myself in it.

Struggle.

- -

Then there is, of course, the outlook on the future. Or more accurately, next semester.

A sophomore in college.

What an identity. Even if sophomore is still regarded as underclassman status, to me, however, it is quite a thrill; Because it symbolizes growth, progress, and, in more physical terms, better dorms.

I know it is no way comparable to graduating, but I still think it is quite the accomplishment.

If thrills and pride are put aside, however, I, again, see decision. Decisions I have to make on direction of my academic career, on residence, and social relations.

I rarely think of myself as controlling in any sphere of my life. Not until I start thinking about putting together an apartment/dorm full of people I want to live with for the next year. 

The reason why I say that I am controlling is because I want to know what everyone is thinking on this particular subject. I don't want to cause any drama within any circle of friends. Apparently, this roommate selection dilemma is, however, causing drama. And I want to know what everyone thinks.

And this all make coming up with a final decision the more difficult. 

- -

I can't say, that after all the rants above I have now know what to do, that I am thinking clearer.

But at least, I have ranted.

Ah.

Decision.